DISCLAIMER: any jokes located on this page are purely for the enjoyment of the people reading them. They are in no way reflection of any personal opinions. If you feel that you may be offended by any of these jokes, please go no further. Otherwise, enjoy the jokes!
Joke Page
A theif on a plane
During a recent flight from Washington DC to Los Angelos filled with a second grade class on their way home to california, a man arose midway into the flight, claiming to have a bomb, and demanding 1 million dollars cash in unmarked bills, and a parachute. Believing the man, and not wanting to take any chances with innocent lives, the pilot calls in the threat, and within a half hour, the money has been transferred via refueling jet to the plane along with the parachute. The man grabs the money bag and parachute, and begins going through the money to make sure there is no tracking device. After a few minutes he is satisfied there is no such device, and waves everyone goodbye, slings on his pack, and jumps from the cargo door of the plane.
A female flight attendant walks towards the window watching the man descend, and says out loud: "How will the police ever catch him in such a secluded area? A small child stands up, and says very calmly, "I don't know, but when they do, will he give back my backpack full of coloring books he took with him? He left his backpack.
Soldier
After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."
The Pope
A salesman from a major chicken fast food chain walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. "The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!"
The Lawyer
An old, stingy lawyer was dying and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can't take it with you." He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the old ambulance chaser died. When his wife was up cleaning in the attic one day, she came across the forgotten pillowcases. She then said to herself, “That old fool. I knew he should have had me put them in the basement!"
Random questions we have all wondered at one time or another
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
More Knee Slappers
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron.
"The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field .
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true," exclaimed Daisy, " NO BULL"!
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. Two termites walk into a bar.
One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
18. How come that blind guy's right leg is yellow?
His dog is blind too!
19. Grasshopper goes into a bar.
The bartender say s "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says " That's stupid. Who'd want a drink named Larry?"
2008 Cayuga Community College